Sometimes you have impostor syndrome because you’ve spent your life being an impostor (and that’s okay)
How masking can make us professional bullshitters but also cut us off from depth
Everybody says impostor syndrome is just a sneaky lie your brain tells you when you aren’t 100% secure in what you offer to the world. This is a compassionate stance, but I think occasionally an incorrect one regardless. For some of us (and I’m talking about the adult autists in the room), impostor syndrome is something we encounter because we actually are an impostor.
The thing is, the one we are impersonating is ourselves, altered to fit the environment we are currently in. This is also known as masking.
Autistic people may feel the need to present or perform social behaviors that are considered neurotypical or may hide neurodiverse behaviors in order to be accepted and fit in. It can help a person feel safe from misunderstandings or aggression, but this act of self-preservation takes a toll on self-esteem and self-identity.
So, is it entirely unlikely that perhaps the reason I feel impostor syndrome so much of the time isn’t because I’m just a high achiever amongst high achievers who can’t internalize my own success? It might actually be because I’ve spent the majority of my life, up until recently, literally being an impostor. I’ve always found myself impersonating the person I thought I needed to be in any given situation, dependent entirely upon who was in front of me in the moment. Of course it would follow that attempting to contribute to a field of study, offering my skills and knowledge to the world, integrating into communities based on shared values, and the imperative to participate in capitalism to survive MIGHT all be putting me in situations where I don’t feel safe to fully show up as myself, so that’s where masking and pretending to be a person comes in.
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There’s no denying the connection between autistic masking and impostor syndrome, but I’m not a social scientist, so I can’t pull up any interesting data for you. I just know that my experience is not unique. It’s incredibly difficult, after decades of donning a personality that never offended or inconvenienced or challenged anyone around me, to show up authentically all of the sudden. I’m supposed to be letting my personality shine through my work and my online presence, according to my mentors, but how the fuck do I do that when I have yet to even discover what my actual personality is? How do I prepare myself for the reactions from people who are used to my fawning, who have benefited from it? How do I suddenly switch to owning my abilities and knowledge and skills when I have gotten through so many matters of survival by pretending to be smarter, more capable, and more skilled than I really was?
I do not know the answer right now but I can tell you the answer isn’t shame. The people who are witnessing me now, who choose to be in relationship with me, are not expecting perfection. They are not constantly waiting to catch me in a lie. They are simply rejoicing alongside me as I discover more and more deeply who I am without the mask. They can handle being challenged or disagreed with. And most importantly, I am safe to embrace authenticity with them.
Next time you are feeling impostor syndrome creep up, or you notice you’ve been masking in a situation where it wasn’t necessary for your safety, give yourself grace. Literally put your hands on your chest and give yourself the gift of grace, a golden warm light that washes away shame and loosens your muscles where they’ve contracted to protect you. The ultimate contribution you can make to this world is your authenticity, even when that means saying, “I authentically have no fucking clue who I am yet.”
